Words, how litt…

English: Taylor Swift at the premiere for Hann...

English: Taylor Swift at the premiere for Hannah Montana: The Movie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Words, how little they mean when they’re a little too late.-Taylor Swift

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Great Expectations NOT to Live Up To

I don’t really understand why we all are expected to do so much life, why we are expected to make something of ourselves. I feel like there are only two options in life that are acceptable, one is to do something important and amazing and end up on national television or to get a stable income job, get married have children and live the country club life. Either seem like they would be a pretty nice thing to be settled with but very empty and unsatisfying, I mean it’s one thing to wish for it and watch those lifestyles on TV but another to actually be living. What if you actually were a Ted Cruz esq. senator and was on national television. Imagine the reporters, the newspapers, Saturday Night Live, and whispering people, it would take nerves of steel to go in that route of expectations. Everyone would be talking about you, knowing about your life, everyone judging the decisions you make and things you say. I sometimes feel like people are judging me and talking about me, but that’s only being paranoid, in that life IT WOULD BE REAL. What people do under those worries is usually not good. Some people do well and end up saving their country, others make mistakes and land their country in a monumental trouble, the odds aren’t good because the power might and most likely go to your head. I would like to thing in that kind of situation I would be resourceful although I could mess up, I could do really bad things to the world. I remember people telling me when I ran for student council that I should expect the worse so if everything went alright I would be pleasantly surprised and if they didn’t I wouldn’t be disappointed. I tried that technique but I couldn’t help it, I just expected to much of myself, I couldn’t just say I wasn’t going to do well, it just didn’t work that way for me. So I ruled out success option number one.

Option two you can fantasize about, and I do, of the world of preppy elitists, country clubs, debutants, lots of money, extravagant vacations, and four houses on the east coast. But really, would you want to live that life, always waiting for other people’s validation because self validation wasn’t enough. Making endless social conversations at other peoples fabulous houses, having to smile when you have guests and when you are a guest even if it means putting a mask on what you are really feeling does not sound pleasant. Sooner or later you would end up in Anna Karenina society having to go to events and be the prettiest one there, always worrying about your status and degrading the status of others. Sometimes I think I would want to live that life since I would get a good push into the Ivy Leagues (a dream of mine) but at the same time I would hate the contemplation that would go on in society about my college applications and where I would end up. That just wouldn’t be for me, I think if I grew up in one on those families I would make my life my own and head out to climb the alps and never be seen again. Not that disappearing to the alps is a bad thing, in fact is sounds rather nice, but having been driven to the point where I need to go away forever with only a sherpa and a yak.

I am currently dedicated to doing what I want to do and not letting expectations sway me or shape me. In my personal opinion I am the best judge of my life and my decisions since I am the one who will have to live with the consequences.

Weekend Unwind

I like weekends, I get to slack off and procrastinate. During the week I have to do a lot, I have to work, I don’t have any time to watch interviews of Tavi Gevinson or Lauren Graham. My life consists of homework, eating, reading, studying, and talking. On the weekends I forget about my slipping grades and the rest of the troubles in the world. The weekends are my void in which lie cupcakes, David Bowie, notebooks, my macbook pro, the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Gilmore Girls, my kindle, and the Tale of Genji. Though I have weekend homework, and studying hanging over my head I still feel the need to unwind. I do so much and I rarely have a spare moment monday through friday. I know that if I just write randomly into my notebook, the rest of the week will be a clean slate that I can fill up with school, my education, and my goals.

That was exactly what I did this weekend when I simply wrote. It started last night at about ten thirty after coming home from seeing Enough Said, a new movie in the theaters. I had Video Games by Lana Del Rey stuck in my head. I wrote down the lyrics in my notebook and started just writing. I wrote what I felt at the time and though  most of it doesn’t make sense feelings don’t make sense.image copy

Here It Is : My Weekend Unwind

Whatever I can do, I’ll do for you. This fictional character that’s you. Make me a dream and keep it locked up in your heart. People think I’m kind of odd. They are so odd too. But they don’t know me. You are just a dream. Tell my heart, you are the thing that fills the void. You are what I yearn to have. -Real and True- Because sometimes goals are not enough. Sometimes I need people too. You can’t see me anymore, till that’s through. But I need dreams, dreams are the life that rule my head. -They’re my path- I have a hunger worse than you to achieve what I need to. I need to try, try, try till it’s true. But what’ll I do next? There are no instructions form my life. I need to figure it all out. I don’t know, I don’t know. The world is there, second hand, but what is it? What is the whole, real world? What, why, who? Do we know? Why, who, what? I don’t know. What does it make? What is the so-called world? Cause it’s not about science, it’s a social thing. What is the so-called world? What is the so-called world? I know that this is perfect… I know what we have is good. Even the cruel things and actions make art and teach lessons. Which is good. We learn, we know… It’s magic, it’s strange, this mystery world. What will happen in the future? What is this? But no more questions, just simple, simple magic and a go with the flow feel. Why, why, why, why, why. We should just feel not question. Nothing makes sense. We should just work with what we have. Everything is uncertain, but we all must do this… We all must go on a strange questioning journey. Why do we lie, we should just feel ourselves. But we have things we need to do ON OUR OWN. Not controlling the world, but being me. Being in my own body, not being anyone else. I can’t just walk into somebody else’s life. I’m here, I have to be here. No more looking up on google “How to be Rory Gilmore” I’m not Rory Gilmore, neither am I Tavi Gevinson. I’m Helen. Me… Whatever I do is me, not a sitcom and this is me.

The Thin Perfect

They raffle off their food

to the girls at our table

And nothing will sway them

being hungry is a small price to pay

for beauty

the picture has been

planted in their head

the media’s image of perfect

Now to them

a better life comes with perfect

when they are skinny

they will be smarter

when they are skinny

they will be popular

when they are skinny

they will be perfect

but the rest of us see

through this perfect facáde

we know what will actually happen

when they are  skinny

Italian Bricks

Here are the bricks of Italy

curving, red bricks

Sun on their backs

rain on their shoulders

As they watch the years unfold

worn by time

smoothed by age

The bricks could stay forever

magical bricks

enchanting bricks

On the rooves of Italy

The Nameless One

She walks alone

She always has

that is something that they said

something that they said a lot

when she came walking through

A brave face might be seen to ask

“But aren’t you lonely walking?”

“No,” she would answer with a smile

And that would be that

Questions still unanswered

They never ever knew her name

or anything about her

And though she came

she always went 

Walking as the sun rose

Some would come to see her go

Wondering where she was off to

Years later she came again

Still as demure as demure as ever 

Time had crossed her face with wrinkles

Age’s withered hand had touched her face

Who is she?

the young ones asked

as she passed through the town

“A mysterious woman” they would answer

“She always comes she always goes.”

They would wonder

they would thing

How did she come to be walking

Why did she visit this small town

Why was she always alone?

Once again they saw her go

walking toward the sun

Shoulders back

confident as ever

Eyes ahead

walking steadily

always alone

The Race For Perfect

Everyone wants

to be perfect

in every way and form

Everyone wants to

be unblemished by mistakes

Everyone wants to

win the race for perfect

Everyone hates the saying

nobody’s perfect

They hate it because

they know it’s true

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When Change Comes

If change comes

what should I do

should I hide

when he knocks on the door

or meet him

straight on?

If change comes

will I be afraid?

Yes I will

How can I be brave,

when everything will be different

Everything will be different

when change comes

The World Needs More Love Letters

When I saw this video I had no idea what hit me, all I knew was that the video was beautiful. Just beauty in it’s true form, with love, kindness and sympathy which should be everywhere. Unfortunately it’s not, the world is still full of many things that it shouldn’t be. Though there is beauty like the random acts of kindness that are acknowledged, there is also hate, treachery, crime. But knowing that you have made the smallest dent in that awfulness is good and it may one day lead to beauty everywhere.
I, in fact, have written some love letters already and put them in random mailboxes around my neighborhood. These letters aren’t much, just notes of encouragement that can really help. Though I don’t know what the reactions of the people were, I do know that they will remember that note I gave them. Perhaps they will start writing love letters too? Whatever they will do, I hope the beauty will spread.

Jane Austen Times

Sometimes I truly wish I lived in Jane Austen times, the Regency Era. It sound like the best place to be. The times were so simple and peaceful, which was really exemplified in Austen’s novel Emma. In Emma, a young lady in a reasonably small town entertains herself by getting into other peoples’ business. Of course trouble ensues, but in the end she learns her lesson. One thing I love about Emma is the society, there is always excitement for some sort of social gathering whether it be a ball or a picnic. There is talk about how one simply must invite them over for tea. This sounds like the perfect time to live in. Image