Words, how litt…

English: Taylor Swift at the premiere for Hann...

English: Taylor Swift at the premiere for Hannah Montana: The Movie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Words, how little they mean when they’re a little too late.-Taylor Swift


Great Expectations NOT to Live Up To

I don’t really understand why we all are expected to do so much life, why we are expected to make something of ourselves. I feel like there are only two options in life that are acceptable, one is to do something important and amazing and end up on national television or to get a stable income job, get married have children and live the country club life. Either seem like they would be a pretty nice thing to be settled with but very empty and unsatisfying, I mean it’s one thing to wish for it and watch those lifestyles on TV but another to actually be living. What if you actually were a Ted Cruz esq. senator and was on national television. Imagine the reporters, the newspapers, Saturday Night Live, and whispering people, it would take nerves of steel to go in that route of expectations. Everyone would be talking about you, knowing about your life, everyone judging the decisions you make and things you say. I sometimes feel like people are judging me and talking about me, but that’s only being paranoid, in that life IT WOULD BE REAL. What people do under those worries is usually not good. Some people do well and end up saving their country, others make mistakes and land their country in a monumental trouble, the odds aren’t good because the power might and most likely go to your head. I would like to thing in that kind of situation I would be resourceful although I could mess up, I could do really bad things to the world. I remember people telling me when I ran for student council that I should expect the worse so if everything went alright I would be pleasantly surprised and if they didn’t I wouldn’t be disappointed. I tried that technique but I couldn’t help it, I just expected to much of myself, I couldn’t just say I wasn’t going to do well, it just didn’t work that way for me. So I ruled out success option number one.

Option two you can fantasize about, and I do, of the world of preppy elitists, country clubs, debutants, lots of money, extravagant vacations, and four houses on the east coast. But really, would you want to live that life, always waiting for other people’s validation because self validation wasn’t enough. Making endless social conversations at other peoples fabulous houses, having to smile when you have guests and when you are a guest even if it means putting a mask on what you are really feeling does not sound pleasant. Sooner or later you would end up in Anna Karenina society having to go to events and be the prettiest one there, always worrying about your status and degrading the status of others. Sometimes I think I would want to live that life since I would get a good push into the Ivy Leagues (a dream of mine) but at the same time I would hate the contemplation that would go on in society about my college applications and where I would end up. That just wouldn’t be for me, I think if I grew up in one on those families I would make my life my own and head out to climb the alps and never be seen again. Not that disappearing to the alps is a bad thing, in fact is sounds rather nice, but having been driven to the point where I need to go away forever with only a sherpa and a yak.

I am currently dedicated to doing what I want to do and not letting expectations sway me or shape me. In my personal opinion I am the best judge of my life and my decisions since I am the one who will have to live with the consequences.

Weekend Unwind

I like weekends, I get to slack off and procrastinate. During the week I have to do a lot, I have to work, I don’t have any time to watch interviews of Tavi Gevinson or Lauren Graham. My life consists of homework, eating, reading, studying, and talking. On the weekends I forget about my slipping grades and the rest of the troubles in the world. The weekends are my void in which lie cupcakes, David Bowie, notebooks, my macbook pro, the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Gilmore Girls, my kindle, and the Tale of Genji. Though I have weekend homework, and studying hanging over my head I still feel the need to unwind. I do so much and I rarely have a spare moment monday through friday. I know that if I just write randomly into my notebook, the rest of the week will be a clean slate that I can fill up with school, my education, and my goals.

That was exactly what I did this weekend when I simply wrote. It started last night at about ten thirty after coming home from seeing Enough Said, a new movie in the theaters. I had Video Games by Lana Del Rey stuck in my head. I wrote down the lyrics in my notebook and started just writing. I wrote what I felt at the time and though  most of it doesn’t make sense feelings don’t make sense.image copy

Here It Is : My Weekend Unwind

Whatever I can do, I’ll do for you. This fictional character that’s you. Make me a dream and keep it locked up in your heart. People think I’m kind of odd. They are so odd too. But they don’t know me. You are just a dream. Tell my heart, you are the thing that fills the void. You are what I yearn to have. -Real and True- Because sometimes goals are not enough. Sometimes I need people too. You can’t see me anymore, till that’s through. But I need dreams, dreams are the life that rule my head. -They’re my path- I have a hunger worse than you to achieve what I need to. I need to try, try, try till it’s true. But what’ll I do next? There are no instructions form my life. I need to figure it all out. I don’t know, I don’t know. The world is there, second hand, but what is it? What is the whole, real world? What, why, who? Do we know? Why, who, what? I don’t know. What does it make? What is the so-called world? Cause it’s not about science, it’s a social thing. What is the so-called world? What is the so-called world? I know that this is perfect… I know what we have is good. Even the cruel things and actions make art and teach lessons. Which is good. We learn, we know… It’s magic, it’s strange, this mystery world. What will happen in the future? What is this? But no more questions, just simple, simple magic and a go with the flow feel. Why, why, why, why, why. We should just feel not question. Nothing makes sense. We should just work with what we have. Everything is uncertain, but we all must do this… We all must go on a strange questioning journey. Why do we lie, we should just feel ourselves. But we have things we need to do ON OUR OWN. Not controlling the world, but being me. Being in my own body, not being anyone else. I can’t just walk into somebody else’s life. I’m here, I have to be here. No more looking up on google “How to be Rory Gilmore” I’m not Rory Gilmore, neither am I Tavi Gevinson. I’m Helen. Me… Whatever I do is me, not a sitcom and this is me.

My Old Penny Loafers

I was looking through my closet the other day and I found an old pair of penny loafers. These penny loafers are old, one of the toes is busted, the once shiny copper gloss on the leather is now dull, the shoes are even sticky. they bring back a thousand memories.

One memory was when I was making cherry nut bread with maraschino cherries left over from an ice-cream party. My mom abhors these fire-hydrant red cherries, but I love them. I decided to make this bread, which turned out to be a disaster. I spilled the cherry juice on my shoes and they are now sticky and unwearable.

These memories make me nostalgic of a time when I was more peaceful. I didn’t suffer from insomnia and spend my nights worrying about various different problems in my life. I would sit by the record player listening to Cher, imagining I lived with the Brady Bunch Family. Now, everything has changed. In the space of a year I have changed so much. Though I wish i could still live in the fantasy land of childhood, I realize I have responsibility now and I have become a better person because of that.

But one thing still stumps me, how did all this change so fast? Was it the gum on the street? The first time I read The Red Pony? Or was it the meaningful friendships I have forged? I really don’t know, but I hope that through all of this growth that I will stay the same girl in the about sectionImage

Forever Young

The song Forever Young by Bob Dylan is very heart warming for me. Since I am really just trying to find my place, this song means a lot to me. Forever Young seems to say what everyone always wishes for their children, to have their wishes come true, to be good to others, and to be kind and loving.

The quote I have from the song really speaks to me, of course I know to do for others, but it’s harder accepting kindness from other people. When someone does something for you willingly like lending you money it really warms your heart while at the same time you feel mad because they are seeing your weakness. But remember the quote…Image

Gum On The Street

Experiences that change your life can be anything. If, like me, it was a sImageplit second of time that’s slowly fading away in your memory, then you want to cherish it. As if you put it in a glass bottle and sent it out into the ocean of your mind. For you don’t need the memory anymore, you just need the impact it had on you.

Well, I had one of those experiences that I feel I need to share. I have kept it inside of me and i think that I am finally ready to put it in a bottle. Let me tell you: I was in the car, never mind where I was going. But I was in the passenger seat and I was looking out the window. I saw a man take a piece of gum out of the container and throw the empty container on the ground. Not sure at what I had seen, I looked out the window to check if he had really just tossed it on the ground. To my dismay, he saw me and I quickly looked away. Some moments later I looked back at him, he gestured to me, showing that he had picked up the container. We drove away.